‘That’s it.’ Something i tell myself day in day out but don’t really mean. Its not easy to go against ones self and battle ones demons whilst having an exterior that exhibits happiness and contentment with life. I’m not one to go around and complain about my life over trivial things that my mind takes great offence to. There is always someone who has it worse than i do. But then again, its my human nature to act selfishly and think only of myself. Is it not?
I do think its about time i introduce myself, or as much as i can before i feel too ashamed of who i am to continue writing truthfully. Hence, keeping this digital barrier is better for all i think. But then again, that is what i think and not what you think. I will be sharing my life experiences and struggles and evaluate what i have learnt in my 16 years of existence which, when taking into consideration, is not much but i feel it a burden to keep all i have to say to myself.
I don’t do well with change. That is the sad truth and one of the many things i would love to change about myself but i just cannot seem to. Change gives me stress, anxiety and even mild depression to a certain extent, but not minor change, i’m talking about drastic change. The kind of change where you feel like you’ve just been thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim or being tossed into a car without knowing how to drive. The image i am trying to portray here is that it can get messy and when this happens i feel like i cannot solve it, so i try to escape it but end up worse than how i started.
Some people find the aspect of change thrilling and a challenge they are willing to take on but for me, when change is as abrupt as the transition i am going through now i cower down from it and run into the corner, curl up into a ball and hide. Yet, that is pathetic and an act only committed by a coward. I am both. Do you want to know WHY i am both? That is because my greatest fear is the future, and this irrational fear is hindering my ability to function in the present which is spiraling me into complete and utter doom. I am afraid that when i finally gain that ounce of confidence i need… it will be all too late to change my fate.
see you soon (clearly not great with goodbyes either)